I was born and grew up in Fuzhou City, China. My father died at the age of 29 on a labor camp, for he was a so called anti-revolution. I was only two years old at that time and had never seen him. After that, my mother left my father's house with my sister and me, and leave my brother to my uncle. In 1966, due to the Cultural Revolution, both my mom and sister went to countryside to get re-education, and I was left in the city with my uncle. Later on, my mother remarried.

I felt sorry for myself since I was young. I had a very sad childhood. I was lost at age three but then was found; I had severe anemia at age 12 due to malnutrition. I was craving for love and a happy family more than anything else! My grandma once told me: "You can't choose the birth of your family, but you can build a family of yours!" That had a great impact in my life. I made my mind to change my fate and to build a happy family for myself since then!

I graduated from high school in 1975, then worked in a textile factory for three years. In 1977, the university education was resumed. I prepared the entrance exam while working. I failed once. In 1978, I was accepted to the Forestry University. After graduated in 1982, I worked in a Forestry Bureau for two years. In 1984, I passed the graduate school entrance exam and was admitted to Northeast Forestry University. Two years later, I got full scholarship from Canada and continued my education there. My supervisor even paid the air fare for me in considering of my financial situation.

In early 1986, I flew from Beijing to Canada, and that was my first time ever in the airplane. I was very proud of myself, for at that time only a very outstanding student could have the chance to study abroad. I thought my future was in my own hands. I stayed in Canada for ten years. I got degree, got job, got married and had a son. Ten years later, in 1995, we moved to US to pursue the "American Dream." My husband worked as an engineer at Lucent, and I worked as a research scientist at Merck. Two years later, we bought a house in NJ, and my American dreams was fulfilled.

I became a believer in 1987 after I watched the movie "The Story of Jesus". But I was too busy to go to church or read the Bible. Everything seems good and I didn't need the help from the Lord. I began to go to church in 1993, but I asked a lot of questions since I grew up in an "atheistic" country. I was baptized in 1997 only because I wanted to make sure if I died, I would go to heaven. I still thought GOD would be too busy to care about me though, and did not have a close relationship with Him at all.

In 2000, my life had gone seriously wrong. My husband wanted to return to China to start a business, and he wanted me and my son to stay in US in case he may fail and return. I was worried about the situation and praying seems not working. I knew my husband would find someone new in China, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I felt helpless and hopeless. I couldn't sleep at night, and I had lost my appetites and job. Sometimes at night, I would cry and call my husband that I couldn't live like this anymore. He would say: How could you be so weak! Chinese couple used to live apart for twenty or thirty years for living! I would say: Not me! I wanted to finish my life, however, I knew that people who committed suicide would go to hell. Therefore, I have to live like a dead man.

In the summer of 2000, I bought round-trip tickets and flew to China with my son to visit my husband. Unexpectedly, I was found to have an uterus cancer. I was told that it was a very rare and dangerous one, that circulates through the blood system; that I should be hospitalized immediately for surgery. When I heard this, I thought God had mercy on me finally, and He was going to take me to heaven. I thought all my pains and sufferings would come to an end. I was happy for myself.

When I laid on the operating table, my doctor told me: "we are going to give you anesthesia now, and then we will wake you up when we finish the surgery." I thought to myself, "you can't wake me up, my God is going to take me to heaven!" After the anesthetics, I took one last look at the ceiling and said to myself: "Farewell, the world!" Then I closed my eyes and was ready to go to the beautiful place to meet the Lord Jesus.

In a deep sleep, I heard someone kept shouting at my name. I opened my eyes and was shocked: "What? I am back?" I was confused. How could I come back without going to the beautiful place or meeting Jesus first? I knew that happened to many others. I was very disappointed and said to God, "God, I thought You were taking me to heavenly home. Why am I back on earth now? I've no more dream and can't go on anymore." But God did not answer me. I realized that my time has not come yet. Therefore, I said to God, "Well, I......, I will live for you from now on!" For I knew I could no longer live for myself like I did before.

So, I continued to live, but in a different way. God is the center of my life, not myself any more. Every morning I woke up, I would ask: "God, what should I do today? Please guide me through Your Holy Spirit." At night, I would ask: "God, are You happy with me?" For this is the purpose of my living; if He is happy, me too. I started to read the Bible and evangelize people around me when I was still in the hospital.

After the surgery, my son and I stayed in China. Although the family was reunited,   I was still not happy with it. My husband was seldom home. You didn't know who he was with and what he was doing. Whenever my mind disturbed, I would ask myself: Didn't you said that you were living for God? You should fix your eyes on God and walk with Him, not to care much about your own feelings. When I am in obedience, God then opened a door for me to teach English at the university. I had many students. Every weekend, I invited them to my apartment telling them about Jesus. Whenever a student came to the Lord, I would be overjoyed. I knew God was with me and He carried me through the hard time. I was full of joy and peace in the misery.

However, in 2003, I was in trouble again. Due to SARS, my son could not go to school in China any more. We had to move back to the US. After three years study in China, he turned out to be an outstanding student in US. So he told me: "I am not going back to China to study anymore! " Therefore, my son and I end up stayed in US, far away from my husband. I become a single mom, and my son become a rebellion youth. Again I was in distress, and praying is not working. God seems had left me. I was in helpless and hopeless situation again. I didn't know how to continue living for God. I was living in miserable, I didn't how to preach God's and glorify Him!

I remembered one night in the winter of 2003, I came home with my son after the church meeting. We saw our house in completely dark when we came close. My son said to me, "Mom, I don't want to go home." I looked at him and said, "Neither do I." Looking around at our neighbor bright home, we both felt lonely and sad. I started to ask, "God, where are you? Do you still care about me?" I was troubled and depressed. I knew God was my only help, and His promise: " I love you forever! I will never abandon you!" was my hope. I survived through the cold and long winter, and got closer with God.

In the spring of 2004, I watched "The Passion of the Christ". I was deeply touched. Once again, I saw how the Lord Jesus suffered and laid down his life for me! I was in tears. After returning home that night, a very strong stream of gratitude churned in my heart, and I cried out with melodies: "This is incomparable love, a sacrificial love! " That became my first and second songs. ( I had never studied lyrics and composition, but I learned simple notation in elementary school, so I put the notes on my melodies.) Later on that night, I sat on my bed with a pen and paper, thinking of the grace of the Lord, I wrote another song: " You are in my Life".

Then I started writing songs every day. I pour out all my feelings to God by songs. Through praising Him, God healed and comforted me! In the Bible, Job said, " My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. " That was how I felt too. I knew it was not me who wrote songs, but was God.  

After experiencing God's love, I had made up my mind to live for God. Since 2004, every summer, I went for short term missions with my son. I brought many people to the Lord. It was such a joy, and my life was renewed. I stopped crying for myself, but others. In 2007, I sold my house in NJ, earthly possessions no longer important to me.

In 2008, I had written more than 800 songs. Still, no one seems interested in it. Then I felt God's calling to start the Music Ministry. I went Google for sequencer、remixing and singers. I paid for all the musician's fees out of my own pocket. To save money, I became a singer for my songs.

After that, God opened the door for me to go to churches singing my songs and telling my stories. Many people was moved and encouraged. I had never thought God would use me in this way, that I could be a blessing to many others. "'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. " Throughout the whole procedure, I really experienced the presence and guidance of the Holy Spirit and saw God's wonderful work!

Psalm 23:1 " The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. " I used to want to have someone to love me, and I was unhappy for could not find one. Now God draw me closer by His unfailing love, and I am deeply in love. I write and sing love songs to Him every day, and my heart is full of joy and peace. I know nothing can separate me from God's love! I thank God for raising me up to the place I have never dreamed of.

It is an amazing grace! I will never stop praising Him. I live for Him and want to proclaim His holy name to the ends of the earth! To Him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, forever and ever!

xiaocao  October 2023